I don't talk about my future or my career very much. Probably because I'm terrified of it. It's unclear and nowhere near set in stone, or even set in Play-Doh for that matter. It's this huge enigmatic puzzle that I would much rather shove to the farthest corner of my mind and forget about all together. And that's on a good day. But it's going to happen. It's happening as we speak, and pushing it into corners isn't going to change that.
Anyone who's done it knows that growing up is rough. Being an adult is not all we crack it up to be when we're playing house and telling our teachers what we want to be when we grow up. I'm twenty-one years old and allegedly considered an adult in the legal sense of the world. Yet, somehow I still don't feel anything like I thought I should when I crossed that intimidating threshold of adulthood. I know I'm still young and at that point when I'm just supposed to be finding my direction for my future. But I also know that I'm rapidly coming up on that time in my life when I actually have to be able to stand on my own two feet and support myself and make those "big girl" life decisions. I know that because the word "finances" has become commonplace in my everyday vocabulary and I'm actually using it in the proper context. But I don't look like an adult on paper. Honestly, I don't even think I look like an adult in person. But the reality is that no matter how young I look or feel, I am an adult and whether I like it or not is none of the world's concern.
It's starting to hit me. I'll be graduating next May and then the world is going to demand to know what my next move is. I'm so afraid that when that time comes, I won't have the slightest idea what I'm going to do next. When life comes knocking at my door and demanding to know what it is that I'm going to be now that I'm grown up, I don't want to be standing there dumbfounded, grasping at straws, hoping and praying that I can come up with an adequate answer when the hat drops. But my question for myself at this point is: Am I demanding enough of myself? Am I living up to my full potential? Am I doing what I should to get where I want to be? Am I working as hard or as persistently as I should be? Honestly, I don't think so. My answer to each one of those questions right here and now is a resounding "No!"
So, I guess the next thing I would have to ask myself at this point is "Why?" Why am I not where I want to be? Why am I not working as hard as I can to make the things I want most happen? Why am I not pushing myself harder and sacrificing more? I know that I can and I know that I should. So, what's stopping me? Usually, my answer would be that I'm standing in my own way, because I have that tendency. I'm frustratingly impossible that way. But that isn't the case this time. Every fiber of my being wants this. Every part of me knows that this is where I want to go. I want to be a writer. I want to do something that matters. I want to make an impact and leave a mark. When I really stop to think about it, the only thing that's holding me back is fear. Fear that I'm not good enough. Fear that I won't be able to handle it. Fear that I might fail.
But, then I realize that I must be doing something right if I'm so afraid. I have dreams big enough to elicit that kind of fear. It's a cliché that I hear so frequently: "If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough." My dreams are enormous. And they're terrifying. And that's exactly as they should be. I've got that part right. But it's the follow through that has me stuck. It's taking the necessary steps and doing the work that's tripping me up. I've always been a hard worker and not even the least bit afraid of doing the work and getting my hands dirty. So, the only plausible answer is that I am absolutely, undeniably terror-stricken of jumping into my future with both feet. But if I don't jump, my future is still going to happen and if I continue to sit here refusing to accept that, I'm just going to be dragged into it kicking and screaming. Hiding under this veil of denial is not a means to an end. It's a road that leads nowhere.
Actually living requires us to take risks; big ones that make us want to hole up somewhere and hide. But risks are the gateway to anything worthwhile. No one ever failed because they took a risk. People fail because they do nothing. I won't get very far by playing it safe. I know that much. Most of the greatest experiences of my life happened because I took a leap of faith, because I didn't over think, because I had no fear of failing. I have lived by the mantra "Nothing worth having comes easy" for quite some time now. Lately, however, I haven't been doing such a great job of actually living that out. I've been caught up in my own head for too long. I have been distracted by my own fear and self-doubt all this time and it's made me forget why I'm here. It's time for me to get my head back in the game. It's time to stop being complacent and actually make things happen. I have all the tools in front of me. All I have to do is put the pieces together. I've rediscovered my drive, so now I'm praying for fire, endurance, and fearlessness. I want this and I'm ready to work for it. I'm not giving up until I've done what I was put on this earth to do.
This little girl wants to do big things. And she's going to. Mark my words. Literally.
Amen sista.
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