Things I learned on my own.

I'm on my own for the first time in a long time. It's been a lot more refreshing than I thought it would be. I thought I would share some of the gems that I've learned during the beginning of this new chapter in my life. Because these things would just be a cluster of a mess if I tried to compile them into an actual entry, here's a nice organized little list. You're welcome. :)

• If you're losing who you are because of who you're with...run. 
• Get out of your comfort zone. It will be good for you. I promise.
• You really do have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince. But I don't think they meant that literally...
• If you're constantly trying to change someone, you don't really love them. You love who you want them to be. 
• Honesty is honestly the only policy.
• Your first love always has a part of you in one way or another.
• Just because two people are in love with each other, it doesn't mean they're right for each other.
• You're only young once. Don't rush that.
• Take a risk every once in a while. Be a little impulsive. Go with your gut. It will probably turn out a lot more interesting than you might expect.
• Take time loving the people around you. Especially the ones who have stuck around for all of your nonsense. 
• Work hard, no matter what you're doing. Someone will take notice.
• Don't waste your time being shy. There's actually some pretty cool people out there. 
• Let people in. They might just pleasantly surprise you.

Never say never. Unless it's true.

As a general rule, I'm typically an exceptionally realistic person. I'll admit, I have a tendency to exaggerate and act like I believe in things that I know can never truly happen. But I really do know better. Perhaps the thing I know best of all is who I am and who I'm not. Or, rather, what I am and what I'm not. These days, it seems as though I'm not more things than I actually am. Honestly, that's a pitiful reality to become aware of. I could sit here and list off all of the things that I have discovered that do not apply to me, but I wouldn't want to put anyone through that kind of agony. So, I'll narrow it down to what seems to be the source of a lot of personal internal conflict. It comes down to this:

I never have been nor will I ever be one of those "pretty" girls. And before anyone feels the need to criticize me for being extremely vain or shallow, please just let me explain myself. From the time I was old enough to comprehend the fact that the world did not revolve around me, I began to realize that I wasn't the kind of person that fit in with the "right" people. There was something apparently missing from my personality or appearance, or perhaps both, that prohibited me from being accepted. I was never the girl with the perfect hair or the perfect wardrobe and I was always just a little bit on the weird side. I didn't fit in with the popular crowds and that always got under my skin. I just tried my hardest to pretend like it didn't. This started early, and since the beginning of this realization, I have developed a sort of complex.

I will be the first to admit that I am nothing spectacular among the female species, and, like all women, I'm incredibly insecure. The fact that I never really had an in with all of the kids who seemed to have it all had a hand in my excess of insecurities. I made attempt after attempt to be accepted by people who hardly knew that I existed. That's the kind of thing that leaves scars that stay with you for life. So far, mine have. It's given me a complex to the point that I automatically think that everyone I meet is going to see me as the uncomfortable, awkward, new kid that I was when I was 9 years old. That has remained with me for 11 years. As hard as I try, I can't talk myself out of that fear. But I need to.

I'm not the new kid anymore. I've survived the inevitable awkward phase. I've endured the horrors of high school. Now, I'm entering into my junior year of college. It's about time that I learn to embrace the woman that I was designed to be by the only One that matters. For those of you who know me and know me well, I like setting goals. As my new year's resolution this year, I had set a goal for myself to learn to love myself in the body I was born into. This was brought on by a quote I stumbled upon a while ago. I don't remember it exactly word for word, but it was talking about women in their twenties being the most insecure that they will ever be in their lives. This quote also mentioned how ironic this fact was since women are at their physical peak during this time. So, being the challenge chaser that I am, I chose to make it my goal to break this stereotype, to love my body and all it's flaws, to accept myself exactly as I am, and to make no apologies for any of it.

So... I'm not 9 years old anymore. I'm a 20-year-old woman, whether I like it or not. I may never be one of those perfect, "pretty" girls. I may never be the girl who lights up a room just by walking into it. I may never be the object of any man's desire. I may never be a size 2. But I'm exactly who I need to be. I'm exactly who I was created to be, and it's about time I start recognizing that. Life is too short to be so insecure and unsure of who you are and how much you're worth. It's time to stop feeling sorry for myself and start believing in myself instead. Whether I believe it or not, I am going to wake up in the morning and like what I see in the mirror. I am going to allow myself to feel like one of those "pretty" girls and keep my head up. I'm going to live boldly and go confidently towards what I want. I am going to allow myself to believe that I am accepted and beautiful in my own skin. Every girl deserves that for herself.

Here's to another goal and another obstacle to overcome.