This one is addressed to the male population of the world, because I feel you need it. Consider this my gift to you as a woman. I'm doing you a favor here, I promise you that. So listen up.
I have run into some firsthand issues when dealing with men recently and it has been frequent enough that I feel the need to help you out and offer up a tiny morsel of womanly insider trading knowledge. You're going to want to continue reading. I guarantee it.
Gentlemen (and the rest of you males), hear me and hear me well. When a woman tells you that she does not want a relationship/boyfriend, take that as truth. Do not ask questions. Do not read further into it. Do not think that you are going to be the guy that changes her mind about that. Take what she says at face value. Respect her wishes and save yourself the trouble. Understand that she means what she's saying, accept that, move on, save your precious time and energy for someone who is going appreciate you and actually give you a second of her time, and call it a day.
This girl that you are currently trying to sweep off her feet is not interested. Plain and simple. And more likely than not, she is honestly and sincerely trying her hardest not to hurt your feelings by letting you down easy. It may be that she is genuinely not interested in having a boyfriend at this point in time, but it might also be that she is even more genuinely not interested in you. Period. I can almost guarantee that this girl responds to you with one word answers, never talks to you first, and doesn't suggest hanging out. Ever. In any way. She answers your questions and politely turns down your offers, but very little else. Sound familiar? These are all sure-fire signs of a woman who has no interest in building a relationship with you. So, for your own sake, take the hint. It really is in your best interest to give up the chase this time. In this case, the more times you swing does not increase your chances of hitting a home run. You're going to strikeout. Every time. You have my word.
And just because I really do care about the men of the world, I'm going to provide you with a little added bonus. We're going to have a lightning round of what NOT to do if you're trying to get the girl. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances ever: try to pry information out of her, insult her exes no matter how big of jerks they were or how much she may resent them, blame her...for ANYTHING, try to compare your situation to hers (It's not the same, stop trying to make her think you have things in common. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. Period.), act like her boyfriend, call her pet names, remind her that she is emotionally unavailable (Believe me, she knows.), be clingy and/or needy, try to talk to her every minute of everyday, rush her, play the pity card, ask her out multiple times if she's already turned you down (She's not playing hard to get. Get that out of your head.), try to use her as your rebound girl, stalk her (either physically or the cyber variety), try to be a home wrecker, interpret her sarcasm as flirtation, or be pushy with her (persistence is not always flattering). But, most importantly, NEVER disregard the things she says because it's not what you want to hear. Selectively listening is not cute. NONE of these things are going to drive her into your arms. Just take my word for it.
Now that we've taken care of what NOT to do, let me educate you on what actually works. Here are some things that us ladies do find attractive: Sincerity and honesty. Genuine chivalry. Having a clever, intelligent sense of humor. Respecting our space. Treating us as equal human beings. Being able to take a hint and read the signs. Being able to hold a substantial and even thought provoking conversation. Allowing us to move at our own pace and not trying to rush us into things. Accepting us exactly as we come. Being true to your word. Having genuine concern for other people and their feelings. Approaching life with humility. Being a decent human being. It's really very simple, we're not asking for much. The good girls are looking for nice guys. Be one. Simple as that.
This all may come off a bit harsh, but a little tough love never hurt anyone. So, now that you have a little lesson in Not Being A Total Tool 101 under your belt, go out and show the world what you have learned. You might even find that being a legitimately nice guy is better than whatever it was you thought you were doing before. It may take some practice, but I have faith in you. In the meantime, you're welcome.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Self destructing and living to tell the tale.
I will be the first to admit that I am an expert at hurling myself into dangerous situations, especially when it puts my sanity or emotional welfare on the line. It's one of the many quirks I have acquired over two decades of life. I'm a firm believer in taking risks and eliminating the "what if" dilemma as much as humanly possible. Although I have become rather proficient in choosing the "right" battles, I don't exactly have it down to a science. For the most part, I know when to put up a fight and when to back down and admit that it just isn't worth it. However, in either case, I'm usually not great at saving myself simultaneously. On the contrary, I'm quite good at haphazardly causing myself pain. I'm a self-proclaimed masochist. I'm not an impulsive person and I know very few people who might describe me in that way. But I am a passionate person. And this is the sparkling attribute that gets me into trouble nine times out of ten.
I'm the "all or nothing" type. I don't believe in doing things halfway or settling for mediocre, or really anything less than extraordinary. I work hard for my dreams and even harder to keep the ones that have already come true. I don't fall in love often, but when I do, I fall harder and deeper and more thoroughly than is probably advisable to my health. However, this predicament then plots me at the exact opposite end of the spectrum as well. I fall apart precisely the same way: harder, deeper, and more thoroughly than should be physically possible. And the worst part of all of this is that I'm usually the one to drive myself to this point of ridiculously unreasonable destruction.
It was rather recently that I found myself caught in the midst of another one of my own absolutist webs. It was frightening, to say the least. I existed in a very dark place within myself for a very long time. For an indistinguishable expanse of time, I lost myself. Not completely, but just close enough to the point of destruction where I constantly felt as though I was drowning. The past few years have been rocky. So much has changed and I, in turn, have changed with it all. I've lost people close to me, I've had my heart broken repeatedly, I've sacrificed myself on more occasions than I care to quantify, and I've allowed myself to fall into traps I swore I was too smart to fall into. There are a handful of people I could place the blame on, but it's time to be an adult and take responsibility for my own misguided behavior. With that being said, no one, and I mean absolutely no one, is to blame for all of these downfalls but myself. I made these mistakes because I was, and am, naive. I thought that I knew better, that I was wiser and a more seasoned human being than I actually was. I trusted people that I shouldn't have. I believed words that had no weight or truthfulness at their core. I got too close to people I should have stayed far, far away from. I forgot who I was. I forgot to remember my faith, my beliefs, and the promises that come along with that. I forgot what was important. And then I fell apart.
I tell you all of these things not to complain (although, it does sound a lot like complaining), but to offer up myself as a living testament of someone who has fallen apart so absolutely and somehow still managed to pick herself up and put the shambles of a person she had become back together. This is one of the principal reasons I write at all. I write what I know, what I have experienced firsthand, and what I feel could possibly be beneficial to someone who may stumble upon it. This time, it's a story of recovery.
Losing yourself is terrifying. Self destructing like I did is certainly not something that I would ever classify as "fun." But I think it's important to go through things like that. I think we need those dark times in our lives because we're human, and therefore stubborn. We need to fall down sometimes in order to realize that we can't do it all on our own. We need to be humbled every once in a while. As much as it hurts and as scary as it is while you're in the middle of the storm, if you're able to stay afloat long enough to feel the calm, it somehow makes it all worthwhile. There's a purpose behind the trials we endure. Sometimes we just have to be patient and wait for those purposes to make themselves evident. But no matter what, we gain something at the end of all of it. We learn, we heal, we grow, and we ultimately change. We come to terms, we learn to appreciate all the things that go right, and we keep going. It's essentially the cycle of life.
I've been through a raging fire or two in my lifetime and I have no doubt that I'll have to battle my way through a few more before my time is done. I don't know when they will come or what they will be characterized by, but of a few things I am absolutely sure. I'm sure it will be difficult. I'm sure it will feel like an eternity while I'm in the middle of it. I'm sure it will leave me with scars that will never completely fade. And I am sure that it will be worth it. We're thrown in the middle of storms, not to be punished or destroyed, but to be strengthened and bettered when all is said and done.
So now I can stand here, in one piece, and admit that I've made mistakes and admit that I was wrong, truthfully, hopelessly wrong. And confess that I wouldn't take any of it back. If given the chance, I wouldn't ask for a "do over" because everything I have done, both good and bad, has brought me here to this point. It's a place of contentment and acceptance. It's the place that I've been searching so desperately for all this time. I can breathe here. It's safe. I'm happy. I've been waiting a long time to be able to say that. It's time to move on now. And I'm finally ready to do just that.
I'm the "all or nothing" type. I don't believe in doing things halfway or settling for mediocre, or really anything less than extraordinary. I work hard for my dreams and even harder to keep the ones that have already come true. I don't fall in love often, but when I do, I fall harder and deeper and more thoroughly than is probably advisable to my health. However, this predicament then plots me at the exact opposite end of the spectrum as well. I fall apart precisely the same way: harder, deeper, and more thoroughly than should be physically possible. And the worst part of all of this is that I'm usually the one to drive myself to this point of ridiculously unreasonable destruction.
It was rather recently that I found myself caught in the midst of another one of my own absolutist webs. It was frightening, to say the least. I existed in a very dark place within myself for a very long time. For an indistinguishable expanse of time, I lost myself. Not completely, but just close enough to the point of destruction where I constantly felt as though I was drowning. The past few years have been rocky. So much has changed and I, in turn, have changed with it all. I've lost people close to me, I've had my heart broken repeatedly, I've sacrificed myself on more occasions than I care to quantify, and I've allowed myself to fall into traps I swore I was too smart to fall into. There are a handful of people I could place the blame on, but it's time to be an adult and take responsibility for my own misguided behavior. With that being said, no one, and I mean absolutely no one, is to blame for all of these downfalls but myself. I made these mistakes because I was, and am, naive. I thought that I knew better, that I was wiser and a more seasoned human being than I actually was. I trusted people that I shouldn't have. I believed words that had no weight or truthfulness at their core. I got too close to people I should have stayed far, far away from. I forgot who I was. I forgot to remember my faith, my beliefs, and the promises that come along with that. I forgot what was important. And then I fell apart.
I tell you all of these things not to complain (although, it does sound a lot like complaining), but to offer up myself as a living testament of someone who has fallen apart so absolutely and somehow still managed to pick herself up and put the shambles of a person she had become back together. This is one of the principal reasons I write at all. I write what I know, what I have experienced firsthand, and what I feel could possibly be beneficial to someone who may stumble upon it. This time, it's a story of recovery.
Losing yourself is terrifying. Self destructing like I did is certainly not something that I would ever classify as "fun." But I think it's important to go through things like that. I think we need those dark times in our lives because we're human, and therefore stubborn. We need to fall down sometimes in order to realize that we can't do it all on our own. We need to be humbled every once in a while. As much as it hurts and as scary as it is while you're in the middle of the storm, if you're able to stay afloat long enough to feel the calm, it somehow makes it all worthwhile. There's a purpose behind the trials we endure. Sometimes we just have to be patient and wait for those purposes to make themselves evident. But no matter what, we gain something at the end of all of it. We learn, we heal, we grow, and we ultimately change. We come to terms, we learn to appreciate all the things that go right, and we keep going. It's essentially the cycle of life.
I've been through a raging fire or two in my lifetime and I have no doubt that I'll have to battle my way through a few more before my time is done. I don't know when they will come or what they will be characterized by, but of a few things I am absolutely sure. I'm sure it will be difficult. I'm sure it will feel like an eternity while I'm in the middle of it. I'm sure it will leave me with scars that will never completely fade. And I am sure that it will be worth it. We're thrown in the middle of storms, not to be punished or destroyed, but to be strengthened and bettered when all is said and done.
So now I can stand here, in one piece, and admit that I've made mistakes and admit that I was wrong, truthfully, hopelessly wrong. And confess that I wouldn't take any of it back. If given the chance, I wouldn't ask for a "do over" because everything I have done, both good and bad, has brought me here to this point. It's a place of contentment and acceptance. It's the place that I've been searching so desperately for all this time. I can breathe here. It's safe. I'm happy. I've been waiting a long time to be able to say that. It's time to move on now. And I'm finally ready to do just that.
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