Growing different.

"Change" isn't a state. It can't be called that. It's perpetual, not episodic. It's not a shiny, clean elevator with controllable buttons that allow you to stop on whatever floor you please, walk around a bit, enjoy the view and then hop back on and resume your trip at your leisure.

It's a tree with spreading roots that you're blind to and constant growth that you wouldn't notice if you just stood there and stared at it for a moment or two. But if you paid close enough attention, you'd realize that it keeps getting taller, the trunk grows wider, the leaves grow thicker, fall off and then grow anew all over again. You'd realize that it is not the same this moment as it was the last, although it's nearly impossible to see it growing and changing with a naked eye.

This is how I believe human change occurs. And it happens differently in every individual human being. We grow up. We grow out of things. We grow into things. But each and every one of us grows differently. We learn life differently. We see the world differently. We feel emotions differently, experience trials and triumphs differently, form ideas and beliefs differently.

Because we're different. It's simple, really. But this process of changing and growing differently makes life difficult. Wildly interesting, but difficult. While it is caused by growth and progress, it also sometimes results in loss and pain.

You often find yourself (because, honestly, it's even difficult to notice change in yourself until you hit some sort of metaphorical life wall) suddenly falling out of old habits and looking for a new groove to settle into and becoming disinterested in formerly beloved past times and instead searching for a new outlet.

This is the paragraph in this chapter at which I find myself. And it's both a good and a bad place to be. I wouldn't say I'm unhappy, no. I couldn't possibly say that. I'm happy. I'm just at a weird spot.

My life has kind of all been falling together rather recently. I officially have a college degree. I'm newly somewhat settled in a job that is actually real and pays in currency that is not comparable to Monopoly money. I just moved into a new, much more adult-friendly apartment with my roommate. I'm in a loving, committed, healthy relationship with a man with whom I continue to grow more and more in love daily.

I am at a great place. I'm in the very beginning stages of becoming a real life grown up. And as scary (and expensive...seriously) as that may be, it's a necessary thing. But I'm not ready to stop here and settle in. That just doesn't sit right with me. I'm not ready to stand still.

I'm ready for even more change (and maybe that makes me greedy... I'll save that tangent for later). I'm aware that this may not make everyone around me happy. But I think that's a point that I've hit in this era of my existence. I've made the conscious decision to stop allowing myself to be anyone's personal doormat. I've decided that complacency isn't a good color on me and I'm not going to wear it anymore. I've decided to start making my own choices instead of letting people who are allegedly higher tier human beings than myself make them for me. I've decided to actually start utilizing my own voice, because I can't live my entire life letting other people and other forces shape my life and my future.

And I think the moment I made the decision to reject a life of complacency was the exact moment when I realized that I've, yet again, started to grow differently.

Over the past year, it feels as though I've grown into my own soul. I've formed much stronger opinions about things that are important to me. I've started defending my beliefs on things more fervently (although, that is still a giant work in progress). I've put more effort into not allowing others to dictate who I'm going to be. And it's been a challenge.

I've watched rifts form in some relationships. That's a consequence that I've found to be common in periods of apparent and transformative change. Because, as humans, we're dynamic. We have the capability and tendency to change in such a forceful way, and any kind of force causes a subsequent reaction. And sometimes it's not always a reaction you want. But it's a worthy risk.

People change. Because they're people. But they don't always grow at the same time in the same way. They grow differently. You can either embrace that change and accept them in their growth, despite your differences, or you can not. Either way, they're going to keep growing.

So, that's where I am.