Thanksgiving is a day of paying homage and giving recognition to the things in our lives for which we are thankful. But, unfortunately, I was having the hardest time feeling gratitude all day long. Everything inside of me felt off and wrong and I simply couldn't find it in me to embrace that overwhelming feeling of thanks that usually envelopes my entire self during this time of year. And, frankly, it made me absolutely disgusted with myself.
Holidays have been a little different for my family the last couple of years. And by different, I mean weird. Not bad, just weird. There are reasons for this and we're all aware of them, but this Thanksgiving was more so than the last few holidays that we've all gotten to spend together. My family isn't really one for traditions and I have always been the only one that actually outwardly expresses much excitement for the holiday season, so I know that wasn't what made it feel so off. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that my family is already relatively small and missing even one person - which we were this year - has a big impact. Maybe I just got overly excited which in turn shot my expectations for the day through the roof, which is probably very likely. I have that tendency.
I've always wanted to have a big family (although, ideally, it would preexist since I don't really want kids of my own) that has their own special holiday traditions that they follow faithfully and great, big gatherings that last all day and involve a lot of catching up, laughter, and reminiscing. I have always wanted a traditional family, as hard to believe as that is. But that's not what I've been given. I've been given a family that's a little unconventional and more than a little crazy. I've been given a family that is more sarcastic than affectionate. I've been given a family that can fit around one table at gatherings and doesn't have to yell across the room to get someone's attention. I've been given a family that knows that we love each other despite all of our dysfunction even if we don't say it often enough. I have been born into a family that is perfectly made for me. That is something to be thankful for.
As much as I might think that I want a perfect, huge, cookie cutter family, I know that the one that I have is better than any other I could make up in my own dreams. I'd give my life for any one of them and adore them with every part of myself. That goes for my family that is both biological and not. My family and I have been blessed with so many amazing, special people who have come into our lives and hearts and become a very important part of our family. I have sisters with whom I share no blood relation, brothers that care for and protect me like their lives depend on it, uncles and aunts that have no genetic link to my parents, and a dad whose last name I do not share and eyes I do not have, but who loves and accepts me as his own daughter and has been the greatest example of what a Godly man is. For all of these people and their presence in my life as well as my family's, I feel eternally grateful and blessed. I thank God everyday for allowing me to know them and be a small part of their lives.
And I am thankful beyond words for my roommate and best friend. She is a saint to be able to deal with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and she is such a blessing in my life. I know without an ounce of doubt that God put her in my life for so many reasons and I couldn't be more grateful that He has. No matter how frustrated she gets with me, or how long she has to wait for me to get ready, she will always take the time to listen to me go on and on (and on) about the same things time after time and even cry with me if the occasion demands. She knows all of my mistakes, regrets, and flaws and still loves and embraces me despite them. That is more than I could ever ask from anyone. She is my other half, my better half, and the hand that's always there to help me up when I fall or just hold tight when I'm falling apart. We drive each other crazy and argue like an old married couple, but I wouldn't trade her for the world.
I'm also thankful for the little things. I'm thankful that I laugh more often than I cry, that I have more friends than enemies, that I have the opportunity to get a quality education, that I have friends whom I've been able to keep over great amounts of time and distance. I am thankful for the mistakes I have made and the lessons that followed. I am thankful for good days and rainy days and days when I'm just content with existing. I am thankful that I have people who support and feed my dreams. I am thankful for the sights, sounds, and smells that I am constantly surrounded by and that I am able to experience them all. I am thankful for all of the doors that have been opened for me and even those that have been shut. I am thankful for the divine council that I receive when I seek it and the God that I love. I am thankful for all of these things and that is something to never forget.
And finally, but maybe most of all, I'm thankful for my actual family, the one I share a bloodline with. I'm thankful for my beautiful, wonderful, talented, hilarious, crazy sisters. They are such amazing women and I sometimes can't believe I'm related to them because of how different we are, but I don't think I have the capacity to love them anymore than I do. I'm thankful for my beautiful babies, otherwise known as my niece and nephew. They are such blessings in my life and all those they touch. Their presence in my life fills me with a joy I've never known and a love I didn't know I was capable of. I'm thankful for my grandma who had such a huge hand in raising me. I don't know what I would do without her or what kind of person I would be if it wasn't for her. She makes me both laugh and cry like no one else can. I love her so much and I am so grateful for the times I get to spend with her. I'm thankful for a mother who couldn't have done a better job of raising me and loving me unconditionally. I don't think anyone could believe in their children anymore than my mom does if they tried. We have had an indescribable bond since day one. We disagree like any normal mother and daughter, but at the end of the day, she is the only person I want there when I have nothing left and want to break down. She is my rock and the greatest mother I have ever known. I don't have the family I have always dreamed of, I have one that is beyond any I could dream up.
So, this is what I know. We are not handed whatever we desire, we are given what we need, what is best for us, and what will ultimately mold us into the people we are destined and created to become. Remember that everything you have could be gone in an instant. Don't waste a single moment taking any of it for granted. Love what you have, and who you have. Say "I love you" and hug each other more often than might be necessary. Don't stay angry and don't ever forget that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Give thanks. Always. Because there is so much in this world to be thankful for. I know that now.
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